JOE
It was long time ago, but to this day I still ask why? I was there young, but scared. I told my dad David , but if he didn’t believe me. If my own dad didn’t who will?
A fresh start ,a new leaf they say , me and my dad now reside in London , Southwark , near the waterloo station. Here in England its really cold compared to the States. When we were living there dad worked for the army . I’m proud of him and one day I wish to portray his bravery . He tells me stories about when he was in Afghanistan with his friend Joe . Joe died in the war , he was dads best mate , tragically when he had passed on my dad was never the same. Joe came to our house once. From our meeting I could tell he was a good man. I caught a glimpse of him , I wasn’t let in the room because dad didn’t want me to get mixed with the army environment. He said one day I would like you to become a lawyer or a successful businessman. I acknowledge it but never put any thought into it . Maybe I will. You never know.
Joe had a minor amount of hair , in fact he was bald. They watched a football match on the TV . I was peeking down the stairs waiting for Joe to come out so I could see what he looked like. He came out. Tall, but skinny. I didn’t see anymore because dad blocked my vision by standing in front . I thought after 7 years dad would eventually let it go , but Joe remained in the soft heart of my dad . It was Monday so I had to go to school , I attend the London Nautical school , the only nautical school in England .
My dad works from home , pretty cool I guess but it does mean he is a bit unsocial. He specialises in the ‘financial industry’ or that’s what he tells me . Anyways I went to school had a normal day , Maths. English. Science. No homework, which is a plus. That’s all ordinary but what wasn’t was what occurred on my way home , about 5 minutes away. I saw. Almost identical, but how? The thoughts scurrying through my head were bizarre. Joe. How could it be: He’s dead right?
I thought to myself that I was sick , maybe lack of sleep. But it keeps circling to the fact that I saw a dead man, a man who is no longer alive. How is this even possible. My dad said to me that he was gone for good as in he had passed one , but why was he there? It makes no sense to me. Why in our new home in England ? I tried to reassure myself, but it just didn’t work. It was almost as if I had a certainty. I bolted down the stairs and asked my dad if Joe really did die. He snapped and exclaimed “Why are you bringing up a dead man in my presence!” I left the room. I believed him. Joe died in the war
I looked in the mirror and relief looked back . it must of been a lookalike . Delight shone on my face . I felt like a heap of pressure had come me, like the pressure to solve a mystery. But there was no mystery, just a bald skinny lookalike. On that night I plummeted onto the bed . I was still , with my eyes shut almost as if I was deceased . Then I thought about Joe. It felt like tears were streaming down my face but I was too tired to tell. I fell asleep pondering what life would be like with my dad’s best friend Joe was here.
Awoken by something of the unknown , I glanced at my alarm clock and it read 5:55 am. Too early to be awake I thought to myself. I tossed and turned until I got into a comfortable position , as my eyelids shut , I heard a slithering noise. I was clueless to where it was originating from . So I opened my door and boomeranged up and down the stairs. But I heard nothing. Silence. Whatever it was, It was gone.
In the morning I went to school, deeply hazed from yesterdays ominous awakening . I just about got through the day and I headed home, I passed a guy on the street and the same slithering noise reoccurred. I stopped walking and so did he. The noise stopped. I worked it out that it was coming from the guy behind me. What sort of human makes a slithering noise when they walk I questioned myself . But then I knew. That was Joe , but he wasn’t a human he was an alien. I tried to run away but I couldn’t , I fainted.
February 27, 2015 at 3:08 pm
Well done, Muhsin, a really mysterious story which builds tension well. Minor sentences used well to build tension, as is a First person, past tense stance with ironic knowledge of events.
Go back and look at varying your sentence length and structure more, trying to include some more complex sentences; you should also correct the lapses in punctuation.
March 6, 2015 at 3:56 pm
Hi Muhsin great mystery story, I really enjoyed your intro, it kept me reading and made me want to know more. I cant believe he was a alien, great twist Muhsin. You really built tension through out the story.
March 8, 2015 at 2:15 pm
what an awesome story Muhsin. i enjoyed it so much i didn’t want it to end, if only their was some kind of sequel for this story. i liked it because it kept me wanting more throughout the whole thing. you also kept me guessing what the creature was that was making the hissing sound, finally liked how the ending was very believable because he didn’t just get swallowed up by the alien you left an ellipsis feeling to let us guess the rest of the story.
March 15, 2015 at 9:57 pm
Such an amazing story.
The mystery behind it was very interesting, I could not have imagined that it was aliens.
Amazing opening to it and great suspense I really believe your story is incredible.
WELL DONE!
MUSHIN
March 15, 2015 at 9:58 pm
Also try and adjust the sentence length